The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
