Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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