new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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