Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
