i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
