paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
third nipple confirmed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize