Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
