Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
