totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
