he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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