I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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