we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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