This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
BRING THE BAGELS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
