i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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