The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
