How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think your dad took our porno
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
