My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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