I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
