Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
