not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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