You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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