Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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