it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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