why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
