the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
