I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
