rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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