I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
