our cab driver is having phone sex.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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