I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
