I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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