Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
