I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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