there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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