I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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