if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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