I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
