Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
