I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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