her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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