why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize