i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
