Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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