everyone is single if you try hard enough
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
