the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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