i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
