I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
