My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
