i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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