I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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