I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
