I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
