i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
