Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
