I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
