I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you're hired as official boob wrangler
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
try to milk me bitch
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
