Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
