Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
