Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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