My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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