Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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