I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
