Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
