Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i love accidental penises.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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