What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
