So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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