Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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