I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
