her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I did not marry a roomba.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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