I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize