I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
