yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
