Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
