so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so let's talk penis.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
