i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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