I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
