Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
