If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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