I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
