I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
