I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
